Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Feeling down...

Ellison is napping peacefully in her crib which means I have time to myself and that leads to thinking about a lot of things! I am feeling a little down at the moment. I can't believe I only have 7 more days being at home full time with Ellison. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. People ask how I feel about starting my student teaching and being away from Ellison, well it depends on the day that you ask. It is just so incredible and a true blessing to be able to spend every day with your child, watching them change and grow. I would absolutely do anything in this world to be able to be a full time stay at home mom. I would do anything to be able to be home with her part time even. I am not saying I want to be at home until it is time for her to start school- but I would truly love to be at home whether full time or part time once my student teaching ends until the end of next summer (start of the new school year). Why then? Well for me and the plan I have in my head that is just the way I see it and it is what I feel would make me happiest. How selfish does that sound ("it would make me happiest") should be about Ellison not me. And then I get even more selfish and ask if that mom can stay at home why can't I? And as I think further (which I do often) I do want this for Ellison not just me. Doesn't she deserve it? Don't I deserve it? Wouldn't any mother deserve it? What if this is the only time I have to experience this? Whether we have more children or not this is the only time I can share it with Ellison.

What I do know and what I have to constantly remind myself when I am feeling down is I am so lucky to be a parent of an amazing little girl. To this day I still think I have to pinch myself to believe that the past 4 months of motherhood have actually taken place. I know that both Connor and I will do anything in our power to provide Ellison with everything she needs and deserves. We will make sacrifices even if it means tough times for us because she is worth everything. I never thought I could love someone so much with only knowing them for such a short time and be willing to do absolutely anything in this world to provide them with all the happiness and joy possible! The day she was born, the second I laid eyes on her my life completely changed (I know everyone tells you that this will happen but you truly do not get it until you are living the moment).

I know everything will work out for the best and the plan will be what it is suppose to be. I just ask for encouraging thoughts, advice and overall support as I learn how to make this huge adjustment from being a full time stay at home mom to not. Maybe my turn for it will come again(hopefully it will whether it is with Ellison again or with our next child). I am worried about so many little things...trying to keep Ellison's routine, changing my routine, being able to continue with breastfeeding, continuing to be a great mom even though I am not there for every cry-smile-laugh-feeding-nap-new discovery/accomplishment/milestone, continuing to be a great wife with adding on more responsibilies, being a good teacher to the students I will be assisting during the next 12 weeks...the list goes on.

If you made it to the end of all this chatter...thank you for listening. I just wanted to share my thoughts and I guess vent some concerns and frustrations that I know I am not alone in feeling.


Delisa said...

Hang in there Lindsey. You are doing a great job with Ellison and even though things are about to change you'll still do a great job with her.

You've had these precious first four months that have been so special, but know that all the times you spend with her...for the rest of her life...will be special also.

You'll work hard and you'll be good at it. Then you'll rush home and devour the time you have with Miss E. You'll still be a great mommy to her.

Know that you have a huge support system too. Jean Mac and her kids, your parents and Jeff. Call me if you want to fuss about something, cry about something, celebrate something. We'll all cheer you on or pick you up if you need it.

I know this is a sad countdown for you. Know we are sending you hugs and comfort.

Anonymous said...

Love you Linds! Delisa is right. You have a huge list of people supporting you all the way!